Lord of the Squash
by Spazz1
Summary: In the land of Middle-Gord the Dark Lord Squashron falls into a deep depression, a lovley parody filled with shiny things and suggestive things for your entertainment.


Disclaimer: as always... LOTR isn't mine.... yadda yadda now have fun  
  
sorry for it being so long, but i didn't feel like breaking it up. Hope you enjoy!

**  
LORD OF THE SQUASH**  
By Kristina Manente  
Spazz1  
  


Thousands of years ago the great Dark Lord Squashron fell into a deep depression, his sanity balanced on the edge of a blade and it strayed but a little, leading to the ruin of all. In a bout of rage from his sanity's suicide, Lord Squashron started a great war upon the land of Middle-Gord. One by one towns burned, the civilians turning into squash and gords, the Orcs taking them for dinner or pretty Halloween decorations.  
  
But there was a place Lord Squashron could not take, the small valley of Squashiton, where the Squashits lived. Centering his large glowing eye on this valley, he studied it for years and years, watching the Squashits. He found them cute, very huggable and likely squeezable. The tiny little people who wore Squash on their feet, ah yes, the Squashits. The bigger your squash, the more powerful you were. At these times Lord Squashron wished his own squash was bigger, he was very jealous of the little Squashits. He pined to be one, but he knew they would never accept him, for his squash was very.... very.... _very_ small... and it was the reason why he killed so many. He was merely insecure and felt the Squashits would only enlargen his anxiety.  
  
For many more years Lord Squashron piltered and burned villages, but he never let his gord-eating Orcs to enter Squashiton. He loved the little Squashits and would not let any harm come to them.  
  
Then one day, (_oh isn't **this** cliche_) Lord Squashron lost his sight on Squashiton and the Squashits. In fact, Lord Squashron nearly lost his sight all together! One of his not-so-bright Gordwraiths flew into his large glowing eyes, the stupid flying animal (what he believed to be a cross between a turtle and a batmobile) got caught. And I don't know what you think, but it must be hard getting a flying turtle batmobile out of your eye without having any hands, nevertheless fingers or arms.  
  
When Lord Squashron finally got that crazed thing out of his eye he found tall the Squashits to be turned into squash.  
  
"NO! My beloved Squashits!"  
The almighty Dark Lord cried that day, in fact, he cried for over three thousand years. By this time, Middle-Gord was flooded over and everyone and everything was dead. The next 2,000 years passed and soon the land was dried, but Lord Squashron had no one to share it with. So he called up his brother, Lord Sauron from Middle-Earth, and doing the natural good big-brother thing, Sauron sent over a couple million beings, making up for the past 5,000 years that he forgot Squashron's birthday present. Little did Squashron know, but the flying turtle batmobile had survived it's near fatal encounter with Squashron's eyes and that it had tapped into Squashron's cell phone line, recording the conversation.  
  
_brrrrriiiiiiiiiiinnnnnggggggg....._  
  
Squashron: Hey bro!  
Sauron: Ah, Squashie, how's the war coming?  
Squashron: Well actually...  
Sauron: Oh c'mon, don't say a stupid two foot hair kid screwed you over too!  
Squashron: ... No, nothing like that. _Hairy kid_??  
Sauron: Yeah, damn kid destroyed my soul, let me tell you, it **sucks**. They've got these hairy feet and all.  
Squashron: Eewww  
Sauron: Yeah, tell me about it. So what happened?  
Squashron: Oh yeah, heh heh. I accidently drowned everyone...  
Sauron: Dammit Squashie! Didn't you learn from Atlantis?!?  
Squashron: Don't remind me of that... it gets me teary eyed...  
Sauron: Stupid bastard. Mum gives you your own country and you sink it! Now she gives you your own world and you sink that too!  
Squashron: *sobbing* I.. d-didn't m-m-mean tooooo!  
Sauron: A'ight! Just don't start crying! How did you do it this time?  
Squashron: Got something in my eye.  
Sauron: ..... it's your squash again isn't it?  
Squashron: no.....  
Sauron: Yes it is! You're lying again, what'd I tell you about that? Mum doens't like it when you lie!  
Squashron: I know! I'm sorry Sauron.  
Sauron: Y'know Squashie, your squash can't be as big as everyone else's.  
Squashron: I know, I know. It's just so hard. I'm so self-concious.  
Sauron: You've got a job man! You're the big bad evil dude, you can't get wimpy off the size of your squash! Now, about Middle-Gord...  
Squashron: Hm?  
Sauron: It's not flooded anymore is it? I _did_ just send you that present....  
Squashron: Oh no it's dry. I just need to do another blow job on it and it'll be peachy. The beings are liking it quite nicely. Pretty trees, I loooooove maple trees.  
Sauron: Good, y'know I've missed your birthday for like... ever, so I thought I'd give you a nice present. You do your blow job Squashie and I'll give you everything you need.  
Squashron: Really?! Everything I ever wanted? Even goldfish... I really want goldfish.  
Sauron: Well it _has_ been 5,000 years... and yes, I'll give you goldfish.  
Squashron: Wow, thankeedoodle Sauron! I'll get right to it... but wait....  
Sauron: *groans* Whaaaaat?  
Squashron: My squash...  
Sauron: Sorry Squashie, I can't give you another one of those. Transferring that puppy isn't a pretty sight.  
Squashron: Oh I see....  
Sauron: Yeah well, have fun.  
Squashron: Oh I will! *phone clicks* Sauron? Sauuuurooonnnn?  
Sauron's Answering Machine: I'm sorry, I'm currently unavailable as I'm trying to rekindle my spirit so I can kill that little hairy kid. Leave a message and I'll get back to you. Tata hot stuff... oh yeah, if this is Elrond I'll call you tonight 'kay? Teehee!  
Squashron: AUH! ELROND! HOW COULD YOU?! *hangs up*  
  
There are accounts Squashron never finished his blow job after the news of Elrond's cheating ways. This even formed the great river of Gordor, which may have turned out fo rthe better after all. Like he promised, Sauron had given Squashron all the trees, stones, orcs, goldfish, and flying turtle batmobiles that he wanted, and soon Middle-Gord was a repopulated land, and the Great Eye was once again ever watchful on Squashiton.  
  
Until one day when Sauron called, whining how his reincarnation wasn't going as well as planned. In some guilt, he sent Squashron a pretty golden ring for his 3,278,902nd birthday. Intrigued by it's shininess, Squashron formed himself into a human figure with the help of the power of the ring.  
  
A sudden wave of chaotic and pyschotic violence came over him and all he wanted to do was to collect squash. But in order to obtain the squash, he had to kill... naturally. So the war started again, but these once Middle-Earthens weren't as stupid as the Middle-Gordans. They fought back, so Squashron took action and turned himself, not into a human but into a Squashit, so he could live amongst the large squash baring little people. Here he could carefully plan his killing/squash gathering spree.  
  
On October 24th at 8:00 in the morning, Lord Squashron walked into Squashiton, disgued as a Squashit by the name of Gordo Baggins.  
  
_Author's Notes: So what did you think? Funny? Lame? Pink? Tell me please!!! I love you all! I'll give you cookies!_


End file.
